Tuesday, 14 September 2010


do cabs drive in the normal car lane when the have a whole lane of their own

do cabs drive in the middle of two lanes, when they have a whole lane of their own

are perfume adds such a cliche

do you have to pay to go to the bloody loo

do the loos you always have to pay for happen to be the most disgusting

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

why o why

I would like my very own chef is that ok?

I want them to bake me cakes, cookies, yummy food and spaghetti all day.

I would like them to make me something healthy and very good to eat

so my teeth don't fall out but my stomach gets a treat.

I'd never be hungry or long after food

as my little gourmet chef would just know what to do.

All day long they'd bake bake bake

my mouth would dribble and my nose would wake

with the smell of delightful treats and plates and plates

of steak, chicken, noodles, mash potato, vegetables and portobello mushrooms.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010


i don't like them

they smell and are silly

they always think they are right

they think that they are better than girls

i dont like them

Friday, 22 January 2010

long live the black cab! mini cabs should die.


What the hell are mini cabs playing at! Do they all have a pea for a brain

and ironically a crap sense of direction?! A cabby should know where they

are going not rely on the passenger to tell you where to go and then when

you dont know just drop them on the street corner! WHAT THE BLOODY


PHONE if when you get picked up the driver still doesn't know where to go

WHAT WHAT WHAT ldbclusbdclnsd;ms'dpcc.

So its my birthday- i ring a cab, "hello frith street, soho, please"

- no problem £18

- (thought tracking- god thats expensive but fine) "yes ok can you come in

5 minutes. Thats frith street F R I T H street."

- ok we will call when outside.

Ok now in my mind i have clearly stated my destination and i am under the

full impression that my driver will know where he will be going. I have had

absolutely no indication to show that my driver will be a complete imbecile.

or that he wont know where to go.

The driver gets here (im already in a massive rush)

- Where are you going he says

-"frith street, i did say on the phone, you should know this."

- well do you know how to get there?

- (whhhhatttttt?!!) "no i don't, you're the driver, why dont you know"

-whats the postcode

-"i dont know, again you're the driver" (what the f*******.)

Next thing i know he's stuffing his mobile in my face to speak to someone in

the office (i think). "what can i do for you," he says- ERM I DONT KNOW I


-obviously i have just realised the total incompetence not only of the driver

but the firm quite appropriately named "GREAT CARS"

The cab stops, turns all the lights out and tells me theres a cab waiting behind

me ( i cant see it) i still haven't the foggiest what is going on- i can only

assume that my assumption that he was a twat was correct.

Next scene.

i storm into the office (great cars cab office, where the driver has conveniently

stopped by) ask what the bloody hell is going on- oh sorry sorry just ignore me

and answer the phone that has started ringing. ER HELLO - whats going on i

ask (or demand) HELLLLLLO!!!

-sorry whats the problem, he asks

-"the problem is my stupid cab driver just dumped me across the road, whats

going on, ?! i'm assuming he has no idea where he is going even though i rang

and booked the bloody car and specifically told you where i was going!"

- you didn't speak to me about it

-"well i spoke to someone and what has that got to do with anything- i rang and

booked a cab and was quoted a price you should know where the road is that i'm

going, how does your business work if you don't know where your going?! how can

you even quote a price in the first place?!"

- well madam i think its probably due to your attitude that he stopped.


-" i think you'll find its something to do with the fact he has no bloody clue where

he's going!"

he answers the phone for a new job.

"YOUR A FUCKING JOKE" i obviously scream and then storm out.

a black cab comes along saves the day. the location changes, the corner of greek

street opposite the ...something.. edward theatre. No sat nav, no postcode. he

knows exactly where hes going. good old black cab. and its cheaper than the mini cab.

Great cars, i dont think so, what a bunch of nobs.

VIVA the black cab. i love you the black cab. i salute you. you get the idea.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

for gods sakes (a brief two-o-one-o catch up)



I moved house, about two weeks ago now. in a word it was: horrific. I don't think i'll be moving for a while.

I don't think its smart driving home with a blown up tire. Unfortunately i wasn't aware it had blown up- fortunately the police didn't see, didn't pull me over and i didn't get 3 points ( the apparent punishment). I did however have to get a new tyre because for some reason the spare tyre you get isn't actually the same as the tyre on your car-that i simply do not understand. £100 down the drain what fun that was and how much luck i seem to have with my beloved car. Oh i don't think i mentioned that due to the move my car insurance has gone up. by double. f a n t a s t i c .

I dropped a chair on my toe and it really hurt- it has gone a funny purple colour and it bled for a little while. Its definitely looking much better but its still purple, im sure it never used to be that colour so im guessing its still bruised. it could possibly fall off, im not sure, maybe it wont.

And for the pièce de résistance some disgusting chavy drug dealer boy spat in my face. Thats always a winner, im always delighted when that happens, there's nothing quite like someone's sticky beer saliva in your face. All because i wouldn't let him grope me- male pride is an interesting thing.